Comfort

All along this whole missionary journey, I've said that I think it's crazy that I will be a missionary. Why? Ok, let's visualize this. You hear the word "missionary". What do you picture in your head? For me, I picture a homely woman with a weirdly patterned skirt that she made herself, hair in a bun and Proverbs 31 written all over her. She's calm, quiet and has twelve kids. Or so. She can quote any Scripture while at the same time show you how to make a meal over an open fire. She is super missionary woman; able to survive all and share Christ at the same time.

In case you don't know, I'm not that picture. I can't sew for my life (straight lines and I have never been friends), my hair is short (with some sass) and I'm sarcastic as all get out. I don't have kids (or a husband but that's another topic, right?). Oh, and I have this fear of fire. Matches freak me out. I'm all about those lighters that you can just click on. Cooking meals (ie. more than smores) over a fire would be frightening.

We all see our own weaknesses so clearly. I can point out all of the reasons why I don't fit into this missionary mold that I have created in my head. The beauty of it is that there is no mold. I've said this to a lot of my friends when referencing me as a missionary: our God is not a mold maker but a mold breaker! Yeah, it sounds cheesy...but it's so true! Let me be your Exibit A for this. I've had to realize this so many times. God has put these desires in my heart and has opened the doors for this. Who I am to disqualify myself when God Himself has qualified me? I could point to my weaknesses and insecurity, back away and not go. Trust me, this is an easy option. I've thought of how my life could be so much easier. I mean, I have a great job. I have good friends here. A good church. Why leave that? I don't think that I could ever quench the passion that He has put in me. I could never be satisfied with an American dream life, white picket fence and all. He has given me a dissatisfaction for that.

All of this to say, I am SO out of my comfort zone. In every way possible. All of this is so not me. A life of change. A life of uncertainty. Speaking in front of people. Being dependent on others. Being fully dependant on God. All of this. It has been SUCH a journey. It's hard; so hard. It's been so stretching. I have my good days and I have my bad days. It's been a rollercoaster in every way. I have become thankful for this time that God has given me, but it's taken a lot. That whole molding and shaping thing He does can be rough.

On happy notes, my brother Matt is getting married in 3 weeks! I'm pumped to go back to Iowa and be with the whole fam! I'm talking to a church back home about support which is a God thing. And I get to be at my home church! I miss it so much! And I am now heading to Elana Verstraete's 3rd birthday party! That girl is growing up so fast! I'm going to miss that family!

Off to some Italian food and the cutest birthday girl!

Sacrifice, Jim Elliot and Christian fish candies

I've started reading "Shadow of the Almighty", Elisabeth Elliot's compilation of her late husband Jim's journals, stories and more. This is one of those books that I can't believe that I had not read yet. 

With a Lifeway gift card in hand, I walked into the store about a month ago on a search for what to get. I had thought that this would be a somewhat quick trip in and out. I was wrong. I have a slight frustration with Christian bookstores as the whole idea of marketing Jesus makes me want to throw some tables, Jesus style. However, they are great. Really. Just avoid the fish candies at the register. Anyway, back to the story. I walked in on a hunt for a great challenging book. I had an idea of what I was wanting for but for some reason, I just couldn't figure out exactly what it was. At last, I had found about five books that I was seriously considering. It was a wide variety of authors and subjects. I really wanted something that would challenge me where I am at right now. With that, I chose two Elisabeth Elliot books; the aforementioned as well as one on personal discipline. 

Confession: I love to read...but I don't as much as I should. 

With that confession, I can say that I'm just beginning this book about a month after its purchase. I know. I've stopped hoping that "someday" all of my faults will be gone and realize that some things about me may just never change. For example, I will always procrastinate. However, there are so many things that I need to constantly strive to improve. I'll come up with that list later, procrastination style.

I'm eighty-five pages into the three hundred forty one page book. Not far. Far enough to be challenged and stretched? Affirmative. The life of Jim Elliot is inspiring and challenging. His focus was unbelievable. The pages are filled with stories of his dedication to the cause of Christ and his boldness to share it. It challenges how I view every single day of my life and what I fill them with. When the name "Jim Elliot" comes up, his death is what is most remembered. While reading I thought, "why?". Why did God allow such a passionate dedicated child of His die like this? Jim was doing so much for the Lord and inspired many in his life to serve Him better. Why did this happen? It occurred to me that it is what is most remembered that is the reason. Jim Elliot far glorified Christ more in his death than if he would have if he stayed alive. It was the boldness of Jim that stirs the passions of missionaries to this day; including this one (it's still weird to think of myself as one). It is the reaction of the wives of these men that encourages us to see the people we serve as those to be loved by Him as they went to the same men that killed their husbands to show them the love of Christ. We are to shine Christ's love through us; no matter if this love is returned. Is this not true in our own lives? In mine? Christ's love for me is overwhelming and more than I deserve. What have I done to deserve this? Who am I to receive this? How have I repaid this love? In love, Christ died in order that I would have eternal life. In love, Jim died in order that we would see Christ. It is this form of surrender that is so challenging. Jim described sacrifice like this:

"(Leviticus 17:10) He who consumes blood will ever have the face of God set against him. So with me. If I would save my life-blood, and forbear to pour it out as a sacrifice - thus opposing the example of my Lord - then must I know the flint of the face of God set against my purpose. Father, take my life, yea, my blood if Thou wilt, and consume it with Thine enveloping fire. I would not save it, for it is not mine to save. Have it, Lord, have it all. Pour out my life as an oblation for the world. Blood is only of value as it flows before Thine altar."

THIS is what Christianity is about. Jim's surrender and sacrifice are an example to all of us but more importantly, Christ was Jim's example. It is the sacrifice of Christ that shows us that if our Lord and Savior did this; sacrificed and surrendered it all, how can I refuse? I can't. My life is not my own and thus, not mine to save. The Christian life is hard! It is not easy. Hence my frustration with a marketable Jesus. Sacrifice isn't marketable. Suffering doesn't sell. It gives zero warm fuzzies. It is not sweet tasting, nor shaped like a fish. We look to the example of Christ as well as our fellow believers (check out Hebrews 11!) to spur us on; to help us keep going when we just want to give up. We sacrifice all. 

So, have it ALL, Lord. Have it all. 

Is this really happening?

So...wow. It's all beginning. I'm at last on the path to Uganda and it's all happening so fast! It's truly incredible how so much is out of my control. God has this thing about reminding me that it's He that is in control. I apparently need reminders. Lots of them, in fact. I daily have to give this whole deal over to God. It is insane how He has orchestrated everything up to this point and I trust that HE will complete this in His time. If all goes well and the money comes in (I'm envisioning thousands of dollars flying at my face), I'll be flying out to Kampala in mid-May. The timeline of all of this is kind of crazy. The unknown details are killer for a planner like myself. Killer. I want to plan everything down to the little details. I'll be having WorldVenture training the last week of April in Denver so I have to decide if I need to move out of Lynchburg the week before or wait until afterwards. All of those unknown make it impossible to plan a flight out there not knowing where I'll be flying from. See? Crazy. I absolutely love that Scripture is chock full of people who have gone through this. Hebrews 11 is an incredible reminder of this. There have been so many that have gone before me that have trusted in a faithful God when all of their circumstances around them are out of their control. My pastor used an excellent illustration of this on Sunday. We're going through Revelation and he brought up the inpeccable timing of God. When God parted the Red Sea for the Israelites, His timing was perfect in every way. The sea opened before them at the perfect time. This didn't happen a week prior. It didn't happen two hours too late. No, it opened right when the Israelites needed it. God held back the Egyptians for the perfect time as well. When He let them through, it was just the perfect time for them to get in the sea. It was perfect timing when the seas came back together. Everything was done in God's perfect timing. I can trust that God will take my timeline and change it to His. In His perfect timing, everything will come together. This is His journey. I'm just the traveler following His way.

How Great Is Our God!

It's ridiculously late and I should be asleep in bed. However, I'm sitting on my bed listening to a new version of one of my favorite songs on repeat. Tears continuously filling my eyes. I first went to Kenya in August of 2005. The song "How Great Is Our God" had recently come out and on that trip, we decided to teach the song to the Kenyan children that we met. This was usually in a school setting where there would be a couple hundred or so kids. I wish that I could even put into words what it was like to hear hundreds of Kenyan children belting out those lyrics. Their pronunciation has a slight British sound and their voices, oh their voices! I don't know much that rings more beautifully in my ears. It's a proven fact that I will cry every time I hear an African child sing. I can't help it. It always brings me back to that place. Dirt beneath my feet. The wide landscape of the African countryside. Children clothed in rags singing lyrics that defy their circumstances and praise our Lord. Their voices echo in my mind and in my heart. It is not only the beautiful sound but knowing that these words come from the heart of these children that have experienced far more than I ever have. They know poverty at a level that I have only seen. They know need. They know desperation. They truly know how great our God is. 

Every time this song is sung, I close my eyes and travel thousands of miles away. The greatest worship leader that America has to offer has nothing on these kids. This past October I headed to Atlanta for Catalyst Conference. It was my third year in a row and I'm always thrilled to be challenged by the speakers and overwhelmed by what God teaches me. I wasn't ready for Africa to meet me there. One of the co-hosts has started some incredible work in Kenya and has formed a choir out of some of the kids. They performed a few songs there. The tears overflowed down my cheeks. My heart ACHED. Just today I found the album that they had made: The Daraja Children's Choir of Africa. Different Christian artists sing various worship songs and the choir sings along with them. My heart jumped when I saw "How Great Is Our God" on the list. My throat choked. Tears immediately sprung into my eyes. I listened to the 30 second tease over and over again until I at last clicked to buy it. I can't stop listening. Oh, those voices! I close my eyes and I am there again. It feeds my soul. It stirs my passion. It reminds me that God has put this desire on my heart. I praise Him that He is at last guiding me to what He has called me to! I absolutely cannot wait to head over to Uganda. To see/touch/smell/listen/hug those children. To look into those poverty ridden eyes, see their ragged clothes, walk into their shack and hear how they praise our King. It humbles me to my knees.

The Answer

These past few months have been defined by questions. There has been so much uncertainty and unknowns as I have sought God to understand what He would have for me to do. It is truly incredible to look back from where I am now and see how He has worked! I remember the absolute frustration and confusion as I said "no" to Thailand. God made it clear that this is not where I was to be but that decision rocked my world. Then there was deciding if Cambodia and another missions agency was the right option. My willingness to go anywhere began sacrificing the desires that were on my heart. At last, God brought me to WorldVenture and the incredible opportunity of Hope Alive. An opportunity that utilized my gifts as well as fulfilled the desires that God had put on my heart. It seemed too good to be true! As I have gone through the application process for WorldVenture, my excitement has grown. This week was my phone interview in which afterwards, they congratulated me and welcomed me to WorldVenture. God has guided me through all of the questions and confusion; a place where I could see nothing. He has brought me to a place that I could not have reached on my own. It is incredible! I am excited/anxious/nervous/almost every emotion to see what will happen next; to see what God does. He continues to show me again and again that this is HIS. It is not mine. 

So now I begin the process that I had avoided for years: support raising. See, this was my biggest negative towards working with a missions organization. Why raise support when I could do what I wanted with a non-profit or NGO? Why live a life full of uncertainty and dependence when there could be security in a paycheck? Ah, because God wants me to depend on Him. It's been the theme of the last 6 or so months of my life. I have a feeling that God's not done teaching me yet.

The Ignition That Never Let Go

Because of the ridiculous parking regulations that my place of employment has on its employees, going out to lunch is difficult. One day, my craving for Jersey Mike's was too much to handle. I'll openly admit my addiction to this place. The fresh bread, the freshly sliced meat and cheese, great ingredients...I can't resist! That one fateful day, I asked one of my favorite professors to see if I could borrow his car for my quick fix. He agreed and my co-worker joined me. We escaped our offices and headed to the famed sub location. I pull into the parking spot, put the car into park and turn off the vehicle. I attempt to pull the key out of the ignition. It wouldn't budge. I tried all of the tricks and it still wouldn't come out. In desperation, we call the professor. He offers some extra tricks and we tried them all. It didn't work. We call again and explain our situation. My stomach growled. He went to find a ride to try it out himself. I headed in to get my much desired sandwich. During this time, two professors arrive and the owner of the vehicle went to work. I shoved in half of my sandwich. When he was unable to get the key out, we all headed back toward campus. Nikki and I sat in the backseat and marveled at the hilarity of the situation. However, our adventure was by no means complete. The ride back was just beginning. I have a strong hypothesis that the smarter that an individual is, the more quirky they are with less common sense. Our short drive back to campus brought this to light. Being literally approximately a mile from campus, the driving professor asked for directions to get back to campus. Adding to that, his driving skills put my seatbelt into good use. 

The car ended up having to be towed and the ignition entirely replaced. I felt absolutely horrible even though the professor stated that this he has had problems with it before. I will unfortunately never live it down as it is brought up almost daily. I now apparently owe him my life. So, if you don't see me for awhile...

Wisdom...or lack thereof.

The day that I had dreaded for so long came to pass on Thursday morning. I had three wisdom teeth removed with the fourth awaiting removal this coming week. The past few days have revolved around when I take which medicine. I stay awake until 1:00am and wake up again at 5:00am for another dose, making sure that some form of soft food is around to eat prior to the meds entering my body. It's been exhausting. 

This next month seems like it's going to fly by faster than I want it to. I want to freeze time and enjoy every second. I want to spend quality time with those I love; basking in deep conversations laced with humor. I want to experience the freedom of summer before life change comes. My Lynchburg life is ending and I want to hold on it for as long as I can. However, I know that the end is coming closer and closer and the beginning of change is near. Ah, change. I've never been one that likes change and yet, my entire life is changing so soon. I can't even imagine it. It's this brink of excitement and scared out of my mind.

Well, my teeth are hurting and it's time for another med. This blog will be the beginning of a journey of change. Enjoy the ride. :)