Have No Fear: Daddy Is Here

I got a call yesterday from my Pre-Field Ministry Coordinator at WorldVenture. She wanted to see how things were going in my last few days as well as gain insight on what this past year was like for me. For one of her questions, she asked, “what was one big thing that God taught you this past year?” I paused for a bit. There has been so much that God has taught me this past year and to narrow it down to one is a difficult task. After thinking I answered, “do not fear, God is present with me”.

Many blogs ago I mentioned that I went to the Catalyst conference last October and was blown away by Mark Driscoll’s message that day. The theme of the conference was “Present” and delved into not only being present in our lives but God’s presence in our lives. Mark’s message has rung in my ears and prayers ever since. He talked about how we become our own false prophets. We say, “if I do this then this horrible thing will happen”. For me, it went something like this, “if I become a missionary, then I will have to raise support and it will be HORRIBLE and awkward and uncomfortable and that’s not worth it”. Or, for the future, “I’ve never started a school before. I could do it all wrong. It could be a complete failure”. I often become my own false prophet. My fears grow and I imagine the worst. Mark continues to say that often, things are not nearly as bad as we imagined. And, we’ve forgotten the most important part:

Do not fear for I AM present with you.

That statement strikes to the depth of my soul. All my fears and insecurity that I have bound myself to gets loosened. Fear and insecurity become like handcuffs to the dreams and plans that God has for me. They hold me back to a place where I can’t get out. They become my own prison. Who am I to bind myself in a prison when there is One who has set me free? I am free indeed!

Do not fear for I AM present with you.

In all of my fears, there He is. In all of my worries, I can cast them on Him because He is right there. God has not called me to Uganda alone. He’s not going to pat me on the back and send me my way. No, He is coming with me and He has paved the way ahead of me. His presence this last year of support raising was…indescribable. I never had a clue how the support would come in. And I mean, not a clue. There were moments when panic would rise within me and then, out of nowhere, God would speak to someone to join the team and I would be humbled. I constantly marveled at His work. Our God is so big and majestic and yet His intimate and detailed love for me were never more clear. I would do this journey all over again to experience that intimate love from my Savior. When God calls us, He does not leave us. He is present in our lives.

I continually marvel at who God brought along this journey. God popped up in so many ways, and many times through the love of others. People who opened up their homes for me to share about Uganda and those who even let me stay with them on my travels. People who listened to the voice of God when He said to join this team. People who saw a missionary's wish list and cared enough to help me make my house my home. People who gave me rides, paid for meals, gave a listening ear, prayed for and over me, spoke truth and encouragement into my life, and so much more. It was a year of helplessly relying on others and, there God was. Each one of you was like a whisper of God’s love into my ear. I felt His warm embrace with yours. You all showed me that He is present with us all. Through each of you, His love overwhelmed and humbled me.

Do not fear for I AM present with you.

Mark ended his talk with a story about his son. The family was going to travel to Scotland and his youngest son was not happy about it. They tried to entice him with different exciting parts of the trip (castles, swords and unlimited juice on the plane!) to no avail. At last, Mark asked his son why he didn’t want to go. His son tearfully explained that he would be all alone. His son thought that he would be making the trip by himself. Mark assured him that he was coming on the trip as well: “your daddy will be there!”. When I become my own false prophet, I envision myself going through it all alone. Be assured, my Daddy is there.

Do not fear, your Daddy is present with you.

Obeying God can be a terrifying thing. There are so many unknowns. You hand over control to the One who has always been in control and…wait. Isn’t it beautiful to know that the One who we hand our control, fears, hopes and dreams to isn’t some distant stranger? No, our Abba is far more than that. The most loving Daddy, He wraps us up into His arms and holds us. Rocking us gently in His arms, He says, “I am here. I will not leave you. I will not forsake you. Do not fear, your Daddy is present with you…”

Panicked Packing Prayers

It was my last night in Uganda. I was aimlessly putting things together in a panicked state when my friend Hannah entered the room. I was paralyzed by this overwhelming fear and stress of leaving and packing up my life. Seeing my paralyzed state of panic, she took action and started helping me pack.

I’m at that stage again. I ship my entire life’s belongings to Uganda on Tuesday when a shipping container will pull into my driveway. Yesterday, some friends came over to help me pack. When my friend Melissa arrived, I was at That Stage. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know where to even tell her to start helping. When she and a few others left that night, we were at a far better place in packing. Since we only have two hours to load the container (you read that right), my mom and I have been working at arranging everything how we want it to go. It’s like playing Jenga…only working the opposite way.

In church today, I caught myself doodling the words “stress”, “exhausted” and overwhelmed”.  The enormity of the details of packing all of my earthly possessions and shipping them to Uganda is insane. I’m looking forward to when the container is loaded and drives away, hopefully driving away some stress with it. However, it’s not finished then. It still has to have safe travel in a truck to New York. It will then board a ship that will go down around South Africa and into that pirate infested Indian Ocean until it ports in Mombasa, Kenya. It will go through customs there and then get on a truck to drive across Kenya. It goes through customs at the Kenya/Uganda border and then ends up at my house in Kampala. Do I even need to mention that it needs safe travel on those crazy African roads?

All this to say, I need prayer. Big time.

Pray:

-       for the rest of the packing and arranging  of everything

-       I have to inventory and value everything still. Pray for wisdom and guidance with this.

-       Pray that I fill out all the forms correctly and that I do everything right on my end so that nothing gets messed up on that end due to some mistake.

-       Pray that everything goes well for Tuesday. Pray that we have enough strong people show up. Pray that we get everything to fit according to plan in the container. Pray that it’s all done in the two hour allotted time.

-       Pray for the safe travel of the container through America, oceans, customs, and African roads.

-       Pray for my customs agents. Pray that they are people of integrity. Pray that they will not ask for bribes. Pray that there will be no hold up of the container in customs.

-       Pray that I put my trust in the Lord, give Him control of the details of my life and rest in Him.

I officially now have 22 days left in the States before I board that one way flight back home to Uganda. I have a lot to do before that day comes. Though I’m bogged down and stressed out with all of these details here, that’s my light at the end of this insane tunnel. Thinking of reuniting with my dear friends and kids brings such joy in my heart! I smile and tear up every time that I think of it. That’s my joy right now. That’s what I’m holding onto. That’s what is keeping me going. 

Miracles: Big and Small - The Support Journey

Last May, I finished my two year mid-term commitment in Uganda to come back to transition to a long term commitment with my agency. There were a lot of changes in going from a mid-term to long term commitment. A big one? My monthly budget. Going long term, my budget over doubled. I repeat, over doubled. I sat down with the finance department at WorldVenture and tried to see what we could cut. I discovered that the changes were for all good and valid reasons. Their wisdom and experience showed and I ended up changing nothing.

When I left WorldVenture in June, I was in panic mode. And I mean, PANIC. In ways, transitioning from mid-term to long term was easier since I already had a support base. The problem? When I was raising support to go over for mid-term, I talked to pretty much everyone I knew. Now, I needed over double the amount. Who else was I supposed to talk to!?

I had NO idea how I was going to raise all that support. No. Idea. Which, I guess, was the point. I wasn’t going to raise a penny. This was going to have nothing to do with me, actually. When I was raising support for mid-term, I knew that it was going to be God…but I still was nervous about asking for support. I think I still thought it was going to be my effort. This time around, God made it clear from the beginning that this was going to be all Him.

A few weeks after returning from training, I met a couple at my church. They asked if we could get together to talk sometime about how they could use their skills to help Uganda. That’s all I had expected out of the conversation. Right before we talked business, they shocked me by informing me that they wanted to be a part of the monthly financial team.

In that moment, I was in complete shock. It was the last thing that I expected them to say. God used that specific moment to say, “I got this. This whole support thing is going to be ALL Me and none of you so…get ready”. And you know what? It WAS. That couple was just the beginning. God wowed me over and over again with whom He chose to join this team. That conversation was one of the first speechless moments but definitely not the last.

From Virginia to Colorado, Michigan to Arizona. In the past ten months, I’ve traveled to 16 states. I've spoken to thousands of people. I never kept count how many times I did my presentation but I have no doubt it's in the hundreds. It’s been one of the most exhausting years of my life. There are some places where memories are vague because I was just so tired (California, that was pretty much my entire time with you). Constantly traveling, living out of a suitcase, hundreds of hello’s and goodbye’s and sharing the same exciting story of what our God is doing in a beautiful country called Uganda. Also, watching God show off. He did so much of that.

Last week, I skyped with some good friends. Near the end of the conversation, they asked me how much more I needed in monthly commitments to be 100% supported. I gave them the figure and they responded: “ok, we’ll call tomorrow and finish that off for you”.

Another speechless moment…however, it quickly switched to a screaming cheering squealing dancing moment! For those who need a good visual, I’m pretty sure it looked exactly like this:

(I wish I was exaggerating. Carlton and I are probably dance twins)

AT LAST! God had done it! The impossible in my mind was always possible in His. It’s been the most awe inspiring journey and with that, I’m almost sad to see it end. It’s been a joy seeing Him work so clearly, not only in my life but in others as well. It has been my joy to glimpse how God has led people. I value the relationship I have with those supporting and the privacy of what God has led them to do. I wish those miracles could be shared: families that I know can't spare a dollar, strangers that I've never met, and so many more. They have inspired and challenged me. I still have A LOT of outgoing expenses** needed so the journey isn’t over. And, really, the journey will never be over. It’s just beginning. If anything, all of this makes me so excited to see what else God will do! I’m returning to Uganda and everything about what I’ll be doing will be different. I know that God’s going to continue this shock and awe journey…and I can’t wait for the ride!

**Want to contribute to those outgoing expenses? Click here!

The Grieving Missionary

When I first moved to Uganda, the decision was almost surreal. My goodbyes to friends and family didn’t seem like real goodbyes. Getting on that one way flight to Uganda seemed like any other flight I had taken. I had no clue what life would be like in Uganda nor what I would miss.

That was three years ago.

I am acutely aware this time around what I am saying goodbye to and the implications of that. You don't have to tell me how difficult it is to arrange to talk with loved ones with different time zones and poor internet. I know all too well. I now know what it’s like to miss living life with loved ones. I know what it’s like to miss birthday parties, anniversaries and births of babies. I know what it’s like to desperately need a face to face heartfelt chat with a dear friend and not be able to have it. This time, it’s not two years…it’s forever. I’m moving my whole life over to Uganda. It’s much more final; much more real.

I just finished training at Missionary Training International. During our last week of training, we talked about loss and grief. There are so many joys in the life of a missionary, and I truly hope that those joys come across in this blog. I absolutely love that God has called me to this. However, there are some insanely difficult parts of the missionary life. The discussion on grief hit deeper than I thought it would. I wanted to share this with you all for two reasons:

·       I desire to be open and honest here with the goods and bads, the joys and sorrows. I want to show my struggles and where I’m at now.

·       So that you can more deeply understand what some of the struggles that your missionary friends go through. While there are greater joys than you can imagine, there are deep sorrows experienced as well.

In our training, we covered six guaranteed losses of a missionary:

Stable Nest or Home: The loss of the familiar, of warmth and security, of refuge, of consistency and dependability, predictability and orderliness as well as balance.

Safety: In America, one of our core values is safety and comfort…what happens when you find out the system is corrupt and justice will not have a voice?

Competence: Who are you when you feel inadequate? When you are entering a new culture and reentering your home culture?

Identity: What happens when you’re no longer an insider anywhere? Where does your identity lie?

Support System: Welcome to a vocation where it is a revolving door of relationships. Constant hello’s and goodbye’s.

Quickly and easily attained goals: We come from a goal oriented society. What happens when those goals take years? Learning a language takes years. You never stop learning culture. Discipling others takes years if not generations.

Each one of these has gut wrenching implications. As the group of us processed these, the depth of the sorrow was evident. Fathers weeping; realizing that the safety of their family was no longer in their control. The cries of many as they shared what special occasions they would be missing. And if I could only explain the sorrow of feeling homeless in this world without sounding crazy.

These were all things that I had experienced the past two years and know that it will be heightened even more this time around. This time…I know. And I can now put words to these insane emotions inside of me.

So…I grieve. I grieve over missing the birthdays of my nieces and nephews; seeing them grow up from a distance. I grieve missing the births of my friend’s babies; not only not being there during their pregnancy but also not being there to watch their kids grow up and as they transition in their lives. I grieve not being able to live life with those that I love so deeply. I grieve the loss of stability in my life. The nomadic life sounds romantic and exciting until you’re living it. I grieve the loss of safety and comfort. The unknowns of this life are so many. I grieve the loss of some comforts. I’ve probably mentioned my love of air-conditioning, good roads and fast internet too many times to count. I grieve the loss of home and home culture.  I grieve that I will never fully fit into either culture.

While grieving isn’t exactly a fun party, it’s good. It’s good that this all feels real to me this time instead of constantly living in a surreal state. It’s good that I’m not so excited about leaving that I bypass the grieving on my end or others around me. As much as I know how we can utilize skype and other such ways to stay connected, it's good that I will grieve the loss of closeness in relationships.

Still worth it? Most definitely. Insanely difficult? You best believe it.

So, pray. I know that I need prayer in this process...and if you have other missionaries in your life, pray for them. Be a listening ear and a safe place where they can let their guard down and share their struggles. In the midst of grief, may we not lose sight of the joy set before us.

Rethinking Short Term Missions: Long Term Thinking

America has experienced a high percentage of unemployment these past few years. Those in construction have been hit especially hard.

Follow me with this scenario:

You’re a construction worker, highly skilled in building and carpentry. You haven’t had work in over a year and you have no idea how you’ll put the next meal on your family’s table. You find out through your church that a group of Christians from England are coming to your area to help those struggling. They plan to help your area by building a home and painting walls.

What’s your response to this?

Mine would be: “Why would these people spend all this money on flights, hotel, food and more to do something that I’m more than capable to do, especially when I could use that money to feed my family?”

Hmm, I wonder how many others have asked that same question…

So, to this I pose the question: why are we raising thousands upon thousands of dollars to go overseas and do something that the people there are more than qualified to do?

Remember: I am all about short term missions. But it must be thought through carefully. In light of Amy Carmichael’s weighty post before, we can see that missions is very important and should not be taken lightly.

Let me say what I see as a very important factor:

Short term missions should be a part of the long term goals on the field.

If you go and do a short term project, the effect of your visit will last as long as your time in the country. If you go and partner with those doing long term work there, then the effect of your visit will last much longer. 

While short term trips can have a positive long term effect, they can also have a negative one. Ill prepared teams can hinder or break established relationships.

I’ve often heard, “I don’t know what I’m good at so I thought I’d just go and do (insert random task)”. You are more qualified than what you think. You should be using the gifts and talents that God has given you.

When I had people visit me in Uganda, I was passionate about using the gifts that God had given them to be a part of what we were already doing. That way, the effect of what they did in two weeks would last far beyond their visit.

Example: My brother has a business degree and owns his own business. He taught the widows in our jewelry project business skills that they could use in their every day life.

With that in mind, what kind of questions should be answered?

Before you plan your trip, ask such questions as these:

Are there long term missionaries on the field? If so, how can we partner with them? What do they see as the need? What are the gifts and talents of those on the team? Do they match up with what the need is? If so, how can the team maximize the time on the field to help the long term effort? If not, how can we rethink our trip to utilize these? Do we need to look at a different country where our gifts and talents match up?

What other questions do you think should be asked before one detail is planned?

Home Sweet...Where?

I’m a late processor (as if you couldn’t tell that from my emotional breakdown a month after leaving Uganda) and lately, I’ve been processing my two years in Uganda. It's been nine months since I left and I'm just getting to this. Like I said, late processor. There was obviously so much good. It’s home. I love it. It’s where so many loved ones are. It's where my heart is. I am literally aching to move back for good. However, there were definitely bad and difficult times. It’s those things that I’ve been processing through. The hurt. The betrayal. The fear.

Last week was my mission agency’s annual spiritual renewal conference where the entire worldwide missions family comes together and seeks the face of God. It was so freeing to talk to people who could understand. Not in a “I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth” kind of way but a deep heart understanding. Most of my Uganda field was there which made it like a family reunion (dramatic running hugs included). Since I’ve been processing some of the more difficult times, it has been indescribably freeing to talk about this with people who truly deeply understand what I went through as well as what I’m still going through.

There’s something about communing with missionaries. There’s this deep understanding that we have of each other. They could live in Austria and though I live in Uganda, we have this deeper understanding of each other and the struggles of every day life. It amazed me how quickly we would delve into deep conversations. Five minutes in and we were talking about the difficulties of reverse culture shock and struggles in our lives.

Bonus: we can also talk with much expertise on international airports.

I felt insanely honored to even be there. I was surrounded by these amazing men and women who have spent the last 20? 30? 40? years of their lives serving God throughout the world. My two years looks rather pitifully small next to them. They are my heroes. The wrinkles on their faces crinkled with wisdom. The gray hairs on their heads spoke of the experiences that they have had. They have gone before my generation and marked the trail. I kept thinking of Hebrews 12: "all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on" (Message). 

Someday…I want to be like them.

I have incredible friends here in America. I’m constantly humbled by their love that crosses the thousands of miles between us. Sadly, no matter how much they can try to understand, they can’t. It’s been a heartbreaking discovery. As friends, you want someone else to understand you completely and where you’re coming from. There’s been this sense of loneliness knowing that no one else can fully understand what I went through nor what I’m going through now. There have been some heart sinking moments in my time here in the States where I have realized that it’s just not possible for them to truly understand, no matter how hard each of us tries. How can I ever fully put into words what it’s like to no longer have a home culture? To not feel at home in the place that I was born and raised. To not fit in with my home culture nor the culture where I now live. This sense of homelessness and the frustrations that come with that. The difficulty of remembering how to act/talk/socialize in American culture. Feeling overwhelmed by the fast pace American decision making. Trying to think of the English word for something and only thinking of it in another language. And more…and more…

This is the life of this missionary and from what I’ve gathered, many others as well. It’s difficult in ways that most can never understand. It’s also more exciting and fulfilling than anything else that I have ever been a part of.

I mentioned these struggles to a friend and they replied, “it must give you a greater understanding that this world is not your home”. While at the time I didn’t appreciate that response (the sense of homelessness isn’t quite a good feeling), it is true. This world is not my home. I look forward to the day that all of my friends and family throughout the world are in one place, glorifying His name. A place where cultures will all come together and we will all have one everlasting home. What a party it will be! Can you even begin to imagine? God's beautiful diverse creation all in one place, the boundaries of culture and language no longer holding us apart. Together. In one voice. Praising our King.

Yes, that’s when I’ll truly be home…

Lessons From Sesame Street

Whenever someone uses my computer, the first thing they often say is: “whoa, you have so many things open”. If they are using my internet browser, then it’s “holy cow, you have a thousand tabs open!”. They’re right. I like to have everything that I’m working on open at the same time. I swear it helps. As far as internet tabs, it’s all that I’m currently researching. Included in there are some favorite songs that I can only find there that I like to listen to over…and over.

I was visiting my brother and his family in California in January. One afternoon, my niece and I cuddled up to watch Sesame Street videos on YouTube. Sticky little fingerprints covered my screen as she pointed to Elmo at every appearance ("Auntie Chaiyah, watch Elmo!"). We came across this one by will.i.am and…I have a confession to make. That video has been one of my tabs for weeks as I listen to it over…and over. It plays in my head and I catch myself humming it. It’s just so darn catchy!

Sidenote: some of the video comments are hilarious, mainly mentioning how will.i.am looks as though he is performing community service by doing this video.

During one of my listens, I checked out the other suggested videos on the side and saw one entitled “Magnify”. It took me by surprise.  I thought, “I can’t believe that they have a worship song on here”.

Dead serious.

I watched the video and then realized that OBVIOUSLY, this was about magnifying something with a magnifying glass, not about magnifying Jesus.

Yeah, my blonde roots show sometimes.

While the archaic term means “glorify”, it got me thinking about looking at God through a magnifying glass. I thought of those biology classes where you’d see all of the microscopic details of a bug. It makes the object larger than it was and you are able to see all of the tiny details that are impossible to see otherwise. While the little details of a bug never really interested me (three older brothers and still a girly girl), I thought about what it’d look like to magnify Jesus in my life. What would I see? What would I notice that I otherwise wouldn't? What would it look like to magnify Him in my life? What would my every day look like if I did this?

When my problems and frustrations seem so big, may it remind me that He is bigger. When I become too focused on myself, may I instead focus on Him. When the unknowns of my life overwhelm me, may I look close at Who controls my life.

What about you? How would magnifying God change your every day life?